Dissonance
by Aqua Lion
Summary: Pidge is in love with someone that he's pretty sure is in love with his mask... Harmonics part 1.


**Dissonance**

_I'm not sure where this even came from. Ninja scientist plot bunnies or something... I'm sure not gonna argue with _them_.  
><em>_Set during VF, right after Rogue Trip._

* * *

><p>How did this even start? With pizza, of all things.<p>

She won't touch Arusian pizza anymore, not that I can blame her. Eating stuff that's staring at me is where I draw the line. But that means a trip to Earth.

No big deal. Hop into the lions and away we go... Hunk and I have done it a hundred times. May as well take Larmina. A harmless indulgence for a very impulsive cadet. Why not? Off we went.

Alone in Green Lion.

For the entire trip to Earth.

In retrospect, it was a terrible idea.

* * *

><p><em>Hey Pidge!<em>

_Larmina?_

_Get down from there and let's go get some pizza!_

_Now? I can't, I'm running these scans on the Nexus—_

—_You can do that any time. Come on, it'll be fun!_

_Well I guess maybe it can wait..._

_Trust me, it can. Even _you_ need a break once in awhile._

_Sure. Who else is going?_

_No one. Just us._

* * *

><p>The moment I made the offer I knew my secret was out. I couldn't put in an appearance without someone figuring out the truth...<p>

Stereolactic. They really are just people, except that they aren't people. They're my guardians. My second life. My shadows.

Of course I knew the cadets were fans. They're not very quiet about such things. Why would I blow my cover? DJ Prong exists solely to keep fans like that _away_ from me. I wouldn't even reveal that secret to Hunk, I certainly wouldn't tell the cadets. Not without a good reason.

Galactic peace seemed like a good enough reason. Call me idealistic.

I shouldn't have been stringing them along like that. DJ Prong isn't cool, or rad, or anything of the sort. He's a ghost, a specter built from my own doubts. The shield I hold in front of myself so my identity won't slip away.

A live appearance? Human contact? Don't make me laugh. He can't handle that. He hides from the fans, dodges the media, lets his mystery speak for him as much as his music. That's who he's always been. Why would I tell them those things about how awesome he was? All those lies. Greater lies than DJ Prong himself.

But it was so much _fun_. The looks on their faces were priceless. I didn't think it could hurt!

I'm not wrong very often.

I hate being wrong.

* * *

><p><em>How did you learn to write music?<em>

_I didn't really learn. I just do it._

_You rock like that, and you didn't learn it anywhere?_

_Hunk says you write music too._

_I do..._

_Where did you learn?_

_I... I didn't. I mean, when I get inspired it just comes out._

_Why would I be any different?_

_I guess I just didn't think we'd have anything in common._

* * *

><p>I'd never kissed a girl before.<p>

Pretty sure I wish I still hadn't. That gate never should have been opened.

Romance isn't exactly my specialty. I mean, it was my first kiss, how should I know if it was good or bad? Objectively, that is. By my own standards... I only know that it was beautiful. Her lips were so soft. Warm. She tasted like raspberry lip balm; it stayed on my lips when we pulled apart.

Everything was foggy for a moment. Staring into her eyes. Wondering if it really happened.

No way should I have _allowed_ that to happen.

Oh, she moved first. But I didn't do a thing to move away. I want to say I was frozen, but... then what's my excuse for what I did next? If I were responsible I'd have said something to stop it. If I were wise I'd have at least gone back to my console. But I'm neither of those... I'm just selfish.

I kissed her again.

Fiercely.

_Ravenously_.

My blood was on fire, and I could feel her heart pounding against mine. If only people didn't need to breathe, we might never have pulled away. Even now when I flick my tongue over my lips, I'm sure there's a hint of raspberry there.

Looking back I can see the truth, much as I don't want to admit it. Just for a moment, I wanted more. So much more. Even a moment like that terrifies me, because I know in that moment she was mine to take. Part of me...

No. _No_. I won't go that far!

Am I in denial? I'm better than this. Or perhaps... perhaps I'm worse than this. All I can really do here is knock myself off my own pedestal, a pedestal that's no more real than DJ Prong himself.

Fine.

Yes. I could have taken her. And part of me regrets that I didn't.

There! I said it. With that kind of awful passion burning inside me, is it any wonder I favor logic?

Besides, it's not as if I missed my chance. Not really. She's wrapped in the soulless embrace of a shadow, a being that doesn't exist. A wraith with my body and a false name. She belongs to that wraith, and that wraith belongs to me.

She's mine. Any time I want her, she's mine. All in the name of a lie.

And in my better moments, I know I can't live with that.

* * *

><p><em>Tell me more about yourself.<em>

_There isn't all that much more to tell._

_You're descended from ninjas, aren't you?_

_Everyone on Balto is. Ninjas and scientists. I'm nothing special._

_I think you're special._

_Not really. Anyone else from my world could fill this role._

_No, Pidge. You're special._

* * *

><p>It's not me she likes. She's in love with my mask. I know that. And I know I have to end this, stop this charade before it starts. But how?<p>

Try to imagine, Pidge. Try to imagine, because you're a genius, and there's nothing your mind cannot tell you.

I imagine... and in that moment when those turquoise eyes lock on me, it all melts away. All my resolve, all my courage. All I can see is her. The fiery-haired angel who's been so taken in by the illusions that were meant to keep people out.

Am I really in love? Is that possible, to be caught in a love triangle with your own shadow?

Try to imagine, Pidge. Imagine the future if you _don't_ cut it off.

I imagine... and what I see isn't such a bad future.

Try harder!

But it isn't that simple. I know the truth. Living a lie doesn't bother me, how can it? I've built a whole life of lies already, and I can pretend to be the person she thinks I am. The mask she thinks she loves. I can pretend that forever. Own her. But...

Try to imagine, Pidge. No. Don't imagine. _Learn_. It's what you're best at, isn't it?

Close your eyes and look into your heart, that part of you that does so much more than just pump warm blood through your body. Listen to how it quickens when you think of her. Feel how your pulse starts pounding at her name.

I want her. I know I _want_ her. It isn't the same thing...

Look deeper. Try harder. Remember her voice. Remember her saying your name, how it was music more beautiful than anything you've ever written. Admit it now, because you have to.

I do love her. I _do_. And if I love her...

...I have to let her go.

* * *

><p><em>You know, I'm not so worried about the pizza anymore.<em>

_Are you sure? We're nearly there._

_Let's stop first, just for a minute. I like it here._

_Anything you want._

_Anything?_

_Anything._

_Kiss me again._

* * *

><p>She won't understand, will she? She won't take it well, no matter what. She's caught up in all the lies. <em>My <em>lies. And I don't think I can bring myself to just come out and say it.

My resolve can't fade this quickly. There _has_ to be a way.

Try to imagine, Pidge... of course.

The answer is there. It's so simple, so obvious. I can speak to her the way the one she loves first spoke to her. The only way DJ Prong speaks to anyone.

This song is called Dissonance. It's for you, Larmina.

Please hear it... understand it.

For both of our sakes.


End file.
